Is it possible to remain friends with your ex-wife or ex-husband?

I have often wished that my husband and his ex-wife could bury the hatchet and reclaim the friendship that they surely must have had at one point in their life.


It's not like I would like the two of them to meet for dinner or go to the movies together, I just wish they could communicate from a place of positivity (or even neutrality) as opposed to negativity.

It's obvious that if they could do that, my stepchildren would be happier and less confused, and our respective homes would be more harmonious and peaceful.

If two ex-married parents can communicate without the need to attack or defend or blame, the ability to come to a mutually acceptable agreement on ANY matter would make the world of a difference to every body involved - the parents themselves and their spouses and the children. What's not to like about that?

I wonder though if I am just wanting an impossible dream here.

Is it possible for two people who used to be married to remain friends?

I'm interested to hear if you think it is possible for ex-wives and ex-husbands to remain friends. Have you seen this work in the real world?

"Many underestimate the difficulty of stepparenting" - prominent psychologist states

I read a great article today on blended families, which, through it's 'good, bad and ugly' approach gave me comfort to feel that I'm not the only person in the world who struggles sometimes with being a step-mother.

Click here for the article via The West Australian newspaper.

Besides the very interesting statistics stating that blended families in Australia will outnumber traditional biological families by 2020, the article quotes prominent Melbourne psychologist Michael Carr-Gregg in in saying, "The Brady Bunch has done more damage to stepfamilies than virtually any other show in the history of television... It's just raised these completely unrealistic expectations about starting blended families."

Oh how true are those words!

As a step-mother myself, I struggle some days to put aside my personal wants and desires and to make family decisions based on the intention of 'what's best for the children'. For me, what can really increase the difficulty of doing so are the demands that are placed on me personally by the children's biological mother (who is my husband's ex-wife).

Anyway, enough about me. The point is, creating a successful blended family unit is hard work - it takes time, patience, effort, understanding... and sometimes, it even takes professional help through the services of a family counsellor.

Dr Carr-Gregg mentions that he himself is a step-father, and becoming a step-father has been his 'greatest battle'. If a psychologist who also counsels blended families finds the role of stepparent difficult than all step-parents out there who are struggling can ease off on feeling guilty a bit.

Dr Carr-Gregg has recently published a book on the subject called "Surviving Step-Families" which is on my list of books to buy.

How Not To Earn Your Stepchild’s Respect

Recent media attention over the nasty stepmother/stepdaughter altercation between Blanche D’Alpuget and Sue Pieters-Hawke (former PM Bob Hawke's wife and daughter respectively) illustrated to me how much hurt stepparents can wield on their spouse’s children, regardless of the age of anyone concerned.

As a stepparent myself, I think it is appalling for any child (regardless of age) to read, hear or witness, their biological parent being portrayed in any negative light, by a stepparent.

As daughter of a wonderful mother, my protection and love for my parent knows no limits. I hope, should I ever have the misfortune of having to defend my own mother in public, that I do so with the same level of dignity and grace that Sue Pieters-Hawke has.

Step-Mums: may a negative word about your stepchild’s biological parent, never, ever pass from your mouth and into the ear of your stepchild, unless of course you do not want their respect or love. This is Golden Rule #1 of Positive Stepparenting

Are You Thinking of Forming a Stepfamily?

There are a number of practical and legal matters to consider when thinking of forming a stepfamily.

Are you aware of what those issues are?

Relationships Australia has some helpful information on their website. They also run courses for stepparents in Australia.

Tips for Positive Stepparenting

Golden Rule #1

Refrain from saying anything derogatory to your stepkids about either of their parents - that means your partner AND your partner's ex.

You may be correct in how you feel, but voicing that to the kids may come back to haunt you when the children are older.

Meeting Your Future Step-Kids For the First Time

If you are about to meet your partner's kids for the first time, I have one word to say to you:

"Relax".

Every fellow step-parent I have spoken to has voiced surprise at how nervous they were before meeting their future step-kids.

Your first meeting is not the defining moment of your future relationship with your partner's kids. If it does go well though, it can help to create a healthy foundation for the future.

For some great tips on having a smooth first meeting, I can recommend this article, "Meeting Your Partner's Children For The First Time".